To set the scenes, I’ve just had my nuts operated on, and Em’s said to me “Babe, I reckon you should write a post about why you did it”. She’s referring to the vasectomy.

So here I am, sitting here 40 minutes post-procedure still under the influence of light sedatives and anesthetics writing about why I did it.

Why? For two reason really:

1. Because we’re calling it quits at two kids.
2. So Em doesn’t have to take any more forms of contraception.

Simple as that really.

Let me speak to those points.

Because we’re calling it quits at two kids.

Washing dishes is a two child operation. Without another, one of us will still have to be involved. Once they’re old enough, house chores will get done twice as fast as with one child. Having two children also doubles our chances of being cared for in our dotage, if we play our cards right.

Two is a good number. Sure you’re trapped having shitty sleeps for a few more years, which we just accept as part of the job, and even more of your income will be squandered on the freeloaders but the aforementioned dishes can now be completely fobbed off to the little sods once they’re old enough. One can vacuum while the other mops. Weed whack and mow. The list of chores goes on. Wonderful.

I guess it also gives them someone to play with, or fight with as the case may be. A friend. Or foe.

We’ve both agreed that two is plenty for us. More than two kids would necessitate a van . . . an Odyssey or some such hideous vehicle! *Shudder*. I sold a mint AF Skyline for you two. I’m not driving a Previa! (Sorry Previa/Estima/Odysssey/MPV/Serena/etc drivers). We are both adamant we’re NEVER buying a van. Unless it’s a 70’s Chev with a V8 in it. Maybe then . . .

So Em doesn’t have to take any more forms of contraception.

Contraception. Serious time now ‘kay? Our young women are put on some form of contraception from very early ages. Let’s face it. Teenagers are horny. Don’t care what they tell you or how they’re raised, they’re horny. Boys and girls. Some might manage it better than others but they’re a randy bunch of humans. They’re meant to be. Biologically they’re ready to reproduce and those primal urges are powerful. Sure most don’t actually want to be parents at that age but they sure want to do “practice” part. I’m sure you all remember well.

It’s for this reason we put our young ladies on some form of contraception because apart from condoms, up the bum, the dad with a shot gun routine and abstinence (which teens are immune too anyway) there are few options for young men and so we rely on the young women to mostly carry the responsibility. Various means and devices are employed to trick their young bodies into thinking there are no “vacancies”.

In today’s western society young women are often told that to fall pregnant at an early age is to have somehow failed, which I personally think is far too harsh, not the exclusive truth and is a whole other water cooler conversation. And so women are often on contraceptives for at least a decade before they may decide to attempt to have children, and ten years plus of messing with and suppressing a woman’s natural cycle must have a wide range of effects, some of which are probably still unknown.

Since teenagers aren’t going to stop being horny any time soon and if we are going to continue to encourage our kids to wait until later in life to have kids, which isn’t a dumb idea either (again, whole other worm can), then we need to look at other ways of sharing the responsibility of contraception equally. I have NO idea what that may be, but it seems only fair because at the moment the responsibility seems to sit heavily with the women.

Back to Em and I.

Now that we’ve finished having kids I figured why don’t I get the snip? Or rather why should Em have to go back on the pill? They messed with her period, and did who knows what else to her, not to mention she had to remember to take them. I figured it’s my turn. She’s done her dash, including carrying and birthing our boys, it’s the least I can do.

So I looked into a vasectomy. I knew a little about them, like they’re typically done under local anesthetic, that they’re low risk and they can potentially be reversed. The main things I wanted to know before proceeding were:

1. Will there still be a “load”. Orgasm would feel stink without it. It’d be like suppressing a sneeze.
2. What happens to my sperm? Will my nuts just get massive and ache? Will I need a fanny pack to support them?
3. Will it affect hormone production (I’m not even sure if production is the right term but you know what I mean??)
4. And will I get a lollipop after the procedure.

I did some research online. Don’t google image that shit ok?

1. Yes there will still be a “load”. The sperm are produced in the testicles and semen is produced further up the stream – on the others side of the works. Phew!! Terrific!
2. Sperm production lasts for up to 10 years. 10 ma-fucking years!! But they’re microscopic little suckers and the volume is actually tiny. After 10 years the factory workers get the picture. They throw their hands in the air, say “fuck this shit” and quit. So no, my balls won’t be swollen and blue. So I’m told.
3. I can’t remember the science behind this but that’s a definite no.
4. Turns out no. No lollipop. But I did get a cup of herbal tea.

With my new found confidence I rang Hamilton Urology, merely to enquire how I go about organising a vasectomy. Do I need a referral? Will my health insurance cover it? Etc. By the time I got off the phone 3-minutes later I was booked in. 2:15pm on the 30^th of November. Boom! Just like that. They sent me a pamphlet so I went home and did some light reading.

Funfacts:

• I was required to shave my scrotum “shortly before the procedure”. I wasn’t sure if that meant shortly before time-wise or shortly as in a #1 buzz. Also not knowing where the incision would be made I went HAM and shaved my shit short shortly before the procedure. In both regards. #becausewhynot #shornscrotum #wow
• I have “homework” to do in 3-months and 4-months in the form of sperm counts. Hooray! Scheduled wank! I guess they want to see if there are any escapees from Azkaban. LOL, I’ve just dubbed by scrotum Azkaban. I like it! Maybe my first tattoo??

The procedure itself was fine. Some might even say pleasant. I got given a mild sedative intravenously, which was lovely, then stripped off my grutts and hopped up on the bed. By the way you’re required to wash before showing up. Fair enough too.

The surgeon liberally applied betadine to my nuts then a local anesthetic then away we went. I didn’t feel a thing and kind of wished I videoed that shit. He showed me a section of the vas deferens (the tubes) he removed which was about 10mm long which was kinda neat.

Effectively what happens is they remove a section of the piping then cauterise the ends shut so there are no leaks. The second vas deferen was cut and the small cut in my sack glued shut. No stitches! And hey presto!!! All done. I was given a nice cup of green tea with pomegranate to drink while the sedatives wore off.

I was at Hamilton Urology for about 45 minutes and the procedure might have taken 20 minutes. It was all good. Not a thing to worry about. A walk in the park. Em actually took the boys for a walk in the park while I was in there.

Two hours later (I’m a slow typer) I’m sitting at the table typing and I’m feeling just fine.

So give it some thought lads. Obviously if you’re planning on more kids then it’s not gonna be a smart move, but, if you and your partner are done then consider it. You lose absolutely nothing – well maybe 20mm of tubing – but that’s it. You’ll still have balls, the bald man will still cry. And your missus might just thank you for it . . . with a hand job.

Update:

It’s about 22 hours post-op and my nuts are feeling pretty good. They’re a little aching, like the day after being kicked in the sack but overall feeling pretty good. And looking smart might I add. Tramadol is good too.

I removed the dressing this morning in the shower to get a decent look in. Don’t worry, I didn’t flake like the last time I was closely inspecting my nether regions. There is very minimal swelling and I think my sack looks blacker than usual. Honestly, I can’t tell if it’s bruising or my balls have always been this black. The wound itself (which is on the front of Azkaban) is very small and, thanks to the lack of stitches, very tidy. There was still some very slight bleeding so I slapped a plaster (bandaid) over it.

So pretty much we’re in good nick and my balls basically look like Nelly’s face. E I! E I! Uh-ooh!!

* Thank you for visiting. If you enjoyed this post, then find Em on Facebook and me on Instagram.

** The procedure was $622 and fully funded through our health insurance with Southern Cross.